Let’s establish the concept of an Automatic Yes. An automatic yes is when you respond to an invitation without pausing to access your energy, resources, or values.
There is a reason – so many women leaders make over commitments:
As a woman, if you are not too exhausted, you probably love to be able to say Yes! For the most part – It’s in your nature to serve others. And let’s be honest – when you say yes – it feels good.
Aligning your beliefs and available vitality can significantly increase your vibrational energy. That’s the good news. A mind, body, and spirit aligned, yes – can be a very joyful experience.
When yeses are automatic, however, they may cause you to extend beyond your available energy, resources, or beliefs. An Automatic yes can dampen your energy and even take you into an exhaustion cycle.
Let’s look at some of the factors around self-leadership. Yeses and Nos:
Benefits of Yeses (perceived)
- You will be seen as someone organized and time-wise.
- You will be liked for your response. People love to hear yes.
- You might be appreciated. People are grateful you said yes.
- You might bolster someone else’s esteem. A yes makes someone feel good about themselves.
- You might ease someone else’s stress or burden.
- You might get to delay a decision.
- You will please someone.
Consequences of Automatic Yeses
- You might make an over-commitment – and either get tired or do a lower quality of service.
- You might have to disappoint someone afterward – because you can’t complete what you agreed to.
- You might become resentful of having to do what you said yes to.
- You put others before yourself. Your needs get back-burnered.
- You’re not making progress toward your own goals because you’ve been dedicating your time, energy, and resources to someone else’s vision, not your own.
- You’ll have no more capacity for “Huge Yeses.”
- You might have to lie again later.
- You might delay decisions.
Consequences of No’s
- Someone wouldn’t like it.
- You might be left at some point.
- You might leave someone else behind at some point.
- You might lose out.
- You might have to do what you say is important to you.
- You’ll have to make a decision.
- There might be trouble.
Why do Automatic Yeses?
The reason so many women give automatic yes? The answer deeply lies in one question:
What would you have to feel – if you were not to say yes?
Being true to yourself, by speaking honestly and aligning your thoughts and feelings, not only benefits you, but also helps others. When we give without being completely honest, we might not give the other person what they truly deserve. In fact, we could even prevent them from finding a better option.
When we give from a place of a resounding yes, we provide our whole heart, body, and soul. People do deserve this from us. In self-leadership, when you respond with the truth of your capacity and wishes – you give another a gift. You grant yourself–aliveness.
I urge you to stop the practice of saying yes before you assess whether it works for you. Instead, I encourage you to check in with your boundaries by pausing long enough to check in on three things:
- Assess if you have enough time, energy, and resources to deliver on your commitments with abundance.
- Assess whether this invite aligns with your goals – or is important enough to override your goals and values.
- If an emotional charge is present, you wait for clarity through that emotional wave.
To complete these check-ins, ask yourself, “What emotions would I feel if I were to say no?” Take a moment to think and respond honestly.
Also, watch out for these signs that you are perhaps making over commitments:
- A feeling that there is an expectation to say yes.
- A thought that you are obligated to say yes.
- A lack of awareness of what you are getting yourself into.
- A yet-to-learn skill of judgment. Overestimating your capacity. (stopping and thinking before committing)
- A not-yet-learned skill of feeling things fully. (so you can respond instead of react)
- Perhaps even fearing the consequences or outfall of saying no
- “Over-using” a natural strength of responsibility
Let’s have you live in the place of a holistic yes. A place where your heart and soul are in sync with everything you do, and you still have the energy to prioritize what’s important to you.
You can do this – and the best news is that if you start saying big yeses with 100% congruence, you’ll give the best of who you are to the world. Both you and the world deserve that.
