There is a reason – so many women leaders make overcommitments:
As a woman, If you are not too exhausted, you probably love to be able to say Yes! For the most part – It’s in your nature to serve others. And let’s be honest – when you get to say yes – it feels good.
In general Yes’s can raise your vibrational energy when they are in alignment with your beliefs and available vitality. That’s the good news. A mind, body and spirit totally aligned yes – can be a very joyful experience.
When Yes’s are automatic however, they just may cause you to extend past your available energy, resources or beliefs. Automatic yes’s – they can instead dampen your energy and even take you down right into an exhaustion cycle.
Let’s look at some the factors around self leadership Yes’s and No’s:
Benefits of Yes’s (perceived)
- You might be seen as someone who is organized and time-wise.
- You will be liked for your response. People love to hear yes.
- You might be appreciated. People are grateful you said yes.
- You might bolster some else’s esteem. A yes makes someone feel good about themselves.
- You might ease some else’s stress or burden
- You might get to delay a decision
- You will please someone
Consequences of Automatic Yes’s
- You might make an overcommitment – and either get tired, or do a lower quality of service as a result
- You might have to disappoint someone afterwards – because you can’t complete on what you agreed to do
- You might become resentful of having to do what you said yes to
- You put others before yourself. Your needs get back-burnered.
- You make no traction on your own goals because you have gifted your time, energy and resources to another vision – not your own
- You’ll have no more capacity for “Really Big Yes’s”
- You might have to lie again later
- You might delay decisions
Consequences of No’s
- Someone wouldn’t like it
- You might be left at some point
- You might leave someone else behind at some point
- You might lose out
- You might have to actually do what you say is important to you
- You’ll have to make a decision
- There might be trouble
Why do Automatic Yes’s?
The reason so many women give automatic yes? The answer deeply lies in one question:
What is it YOU would have to feel – if you were to not to say yes?
A No spoken with congruence and alignment of mind-body and spirit not only is true to your own essence – it often is in service to the other. When we give from a place of low congruence – we give to the other person – less than they deserve – and in some ways we might even cheat them from the opportunity of finding a better option.
When we give from a place of a resounding yes! we give our whole heart body and soul. People do deserve this from us. In self leadership,when you respond with the truth of your capacity and wishes – you give to another a gift. You give to your self – aliveness.
I am going to urge you to stop the practice of saying yes before you make an assessment about whether it really, really works for you. Instead, I urge you to check in with your boundaries by pausing long enough to check-in on three things:
- A self assessment as to if you have the time, energy and resources to be able to deliver on your yes from a place of abundance.
- Assess whether this invite is in alignment with your goals – or is important enough to override your goal and values.
- If there is an emotional charge present – that you wait for clarity through that emotional wave.
All three of these check-in’s require you to get present to the question “What would I need to feel if I was not to say yes?” and then pause long enough to respond from full congruence.
Also watch out for these signs that you are perhaps making overcommitments:
- A feeling that there is an expectation to say yes
- A thought that you are obligated to say yes
- A lack of enough awareness of what you are really getting yourself into
- A not yet learned skill of judgment. Over estimating your capacity. (stopping and thinking before committing)
- A not yet learned skill of feeling things fully ( so you can respond instead of react)
- Perhaps even fearing the consequences or outfall of saying no
- “Over-using” a natural strength of responsibility
Let’s have you live in the place of a holistic yes. A place where your heart and soul is aligned in everything you do – and you still have enough ease and energy to do the things that are most important to you.
You can do this – and the best news with you start saying big yes’s with 100% congruence you’ll give the best of who you are to the world. Both you and the world deserve that.