Self Leadership – When Someone You Know is Being Resistant

Is someone in your life being resistant?

There will be times when someone around you will not buy in to an idea you have or follow your lead.  While you may hope you will be able to influence them; sometimes they will just dig in their heels. Sometimes they will actually go as far as to get aggressive and create an obstruction that gets in the way of your desired goal.  Here is a little resistance related information to help you identify resistance more readily and to help you identify self leadership skills so you can transcend the resistance altogether.

Has anyone ever got your goat when things don’t go as planned?

If you find yourself falling back into a place of wanting to force a situation or an outcome as a solution – it might be time to expand your awareness and your mastery of your own self leadership.  If you do not – there are for sure lost opportunity costs.

Here is a frequent truth.  Often if someone is getting your goat;  you are BOTH in a stance of resistance and maybe even conflict.

How do you know if someone (or even yourself) might be in resistance?

  • People resist what they feel they can not afford to be
  • They may resist feeling; letting things in or letting them out
  • They may resist reality, because that too may be overwhelming
  • They may resist change
  • They may resist possibilities, perspectives or beliefs
  • They may resist taking the steps to getting shared expectations and needs met

Some signs someone might be resistant:

  • Physically preventing something from moving forward.  This can be an actual body language like a “talk to the hand” movement or absenting themselves to break a chain of momentum.  It can also be a metaphoric block where the other person shifts away from being committed to what you want and getting more committed to some thing  THEY need.
  • Being inconsistent. When you notice someone is inconsistent – they may not be honouring their own values.  It’s hard to trust someone when they flap in the wind of another’s values or even lose track of the focus that comes with meaningful action.   With out their own North Star … they will veer off course often.   Being inconsistent can also be an avoidance to completing things.
  • Reacting instead of responding.  Reacting often occurs when someone is only responding on the basis of their own expectations or needs. When either of those go unmet – frustration occurs.  When someone is response-able they instead bring in alternative perspectives and awareness of other’s needs and then act.  Often reaction comes out of fear and most often response comes out of awareness of we are one.
  • Flying off the handle. Similar to reacting, when someone reacts by flying off the handle often they are unaware of anything else other than just their own emotional overwhelm.
  • Being Incongruent.  When someone is not being congruent it is palpable. You can sense that what they think and what they say are not in alignment with what they do.
  • Avoiding truth telling.  When someone is not being vulnerable enough to tell the whole truth of things – often they are resisting the path of being a vulnerable human.  Being vulnerable can be scary when it feels unsafe to be authentic.
  • Sabotaging. Sabotaging can be a way of deflecting away from what is really going on for someone.
  • Seeing only 1 way forward.  A limited perspective is one of the easiest ways to tell if someone is in resistance. What are they resisting?  possibilities, and possibilities can be overwhelming.
  • Talking in the past.  When someone tells story after story – often they are resisting being in the present moment – and all that moment would ask them to feel.
  • Trying to keep things comfortable.  When someone  does try to keep things the same – often they are resisting the momentum that comes with change.  Change means getting out of that comfort zone.
  • Not Caring.  Not caring is a resistance to caring.  To care means to be open enough to be empathetic, aware and present. When someone resists caring.  They often will either keep resistance by trying to care-take or by moving to a place of being apathetic.

If someone is getting your goat, here is how not to get caught up in another’s stance of resistance:

If you find yourself getting caught in the cycle of resistance in reaction to someone else’s resistance or passive aggression, shift from being reactive to instead responding with congruent self leadership and be the change you wish to see.  It will do little good to point out their resistance.  Chances are they are going to be resistant to hearing it.   Instead…

Get your power back through mastering your own self leadership

Step into your own place of strength:

  •  Be focused.  Be strategic enough to set goals with a holistic view and still be mindful enough to the wonder of the present moment and be comfortable with the uncertainty that brings.
  • Love them. Love ideas, love people and love learning and the art of practicing to learn.  If you knoyou have failed at influencing them, and you haven’t been able to take the learning from your failureRaise your love vibration and choose to love them and be unconditionally compassionate.  Then notice what changes.
  • Be open and flexible yourself.  Be open to change and hold multiple-perspectives at once. Make choices from a place of awareness.
  • Tell the truth. Be courageous and authentic in your bold self expression. This is one of the greatest ways you can model effective self leadership.
  • Remember we are all ONE.  Treat everyone and everything with that awareness in mind.

Choose to be in a place of openness, flexibility and grace:

Raise your awareness to what is REALLY going on.  Understanding the unmet needs and intentions of yourself and another is one of the fastest ways to help a situation move from a resistant one to a co-collaborative one.

Besides being one of the foundational pieces in conflict resolution – it’s this awareness that is going to create an opportunity for you to respond vs react.

Once you understand what all the intentions and needs are – you can better choose your path.   Even if you need to bring in some external perspectives – it can be very worth it. Sometimes it’s not that you can’t influence someone – it’s more that you can’t influence them THAT WAY.  Opening up yourself to more perspective is going to expand your flexibility greatly.  It’s also going to teach you how to be a better listener.iFind Your Grace. Get calm and stay there. When you demonstrate self leadership from a place of grace – you are naturally ‘allowing’.  Grace allows for greater rapport to happen, allowing for what might happen in the wonder of the present moment. You are 10x less judgmental and you can love 10x more.

Keep an abundant attitude.  When you lead yourself with an abundant attitude  you have increased your ability to be in a place of openness.  It’s going to help you be present to more feelings with out the fear of being overwhelmed. In addition to the added benefits of being full in your expression of gratitude and self-fullness, no more does it need to be a win-loose game.  Instead you get to see that you have all the tools you need now to get the outcome you want – it’s just a matter of whether you are leveraging them.

Increase your level of Personal Presence.  By paying attention to the ways you promise, produce, play, and practice your self leadership, you increased your personal presence.  Live life now as the person you most hope to be in the future.

Be Inspiring. When you live a life as a personal leader.  You are inspiring. And Inspiration is influential.

so… anything got your goat?

Nurture Your Self as Part of a Personal Leadership Development Plan

Is your soul hungry?

Perhaps it’s time for a personal leadership development plan to nurture you.
A feeling of longing, a sense of a vacuum, or awareness of emptiness is sometimes a call to feed your soul.  By finding ways to nurture these places of desire – you can both grow as a person and nurture your soul in the process.

Is your soul hungry? If you sense it might be; it may be time for some self-defined nurturing.

Knowing what will nurture your soul can be customized to you; after all, you are uniquely you, with the personal needs and life experiences that are yours alone.

That is why soul-nurturing is so much a pursuit of personal fulfillment.

What I hope you to take away from this article is – it is you, and your own unique  inner voice that will be your best guide as to how to nurture your soul.  Think of things like what would pamper you, what would nourish you and what might make you feel most vital.

Here are seven more generalized ways to nurture your soul:

#1 Nurture your body
I suggest your own personal needs lead the way for what you do.   Ask your body what it really needs.   Is it a stretch? A swim? A singing class? A walk? A dance? A rest?  Why not trust your intution a little on this one – your body can be it’s your greatest teacher.  Your body is abundant in the way it gives to you  – think too about how you can nurture it.

#2 Nurture your vision
There is a popular saying “What you see is what you get“.   If you wish to attract new thing into your life, having a vision is key. Vision can be anything from a vivid mental image of what you desire, to a hope for mankind, your neighbor or yourself. Take a little time to dream, to imagine and to create a clear vision for yourself.  You will find it nurturing to both yourself and your ability to contribute more as a personal leader.

The opportunity for growth here is to nurture how you see.  There is a subtle sense, a subtle aliveness that gets elevated when you vision in a way that brings the future into the present.

For example:

  • When you see the perfection in EVERYTHING in effect you are one with that thing – and connection is nurturing.
  • When you make decisions from crystal clear clarity – you have seen all the possible consequences both positive and limiting – this awareness is nurturing.
  •  When you are inspired by a day dream or a meditation – you are seeing new possibilities – those choices are nurturing.

Again, what you choose to do and how you vision will be unique to your preferences and needs.
It might be rehearsing your vision of your goal, or dreaming, or meditating.  It could be writing, journaling, doing self inquiries (asking yourself questions) or just using your creativity in some way.

#3 Nurture your creativity
Create a balance of energy and rest in your day.  Be disciplined and playful. Be responsible and be free.   Dance between imagination and fantasy. Be independent yet aware of your interdependence. Be humble yet self honouring. Be passionate and still objective.  Be sensitive and open and more than anything else – be inspiring and self inspired.

Creativity is a lot about increasing the ability to be flexible in response to what is going on in the moment.  It is the dance from one perspective to another and one state of being to another which can bring you the most creativity.

You can express your creative self in so many ways. It’s just a matter of finding the things that will bring you joy and nurturing.  The idea is to find the activity that you intuit will feed and nourish you.

I encourage asking your inner self what creative nurturing it needs.   Your inner self – is a creative part – and can come up with many different ways to get your creative needs met…even if you don’t yet think of yourself as creative.

#4 Nurture your intuition
The benefits of nurturing your intuition are plentiful; everything from prioritizing to protecting safety, to finding joy, to accelerating your sense of “knowing”.   A by product is that you get to move forward with greater certainty.

Raise awareness of your own intuition and set an intention to engage with it.  In North American culture we are often taught not to pay attention to our intuition – and even taught to “ignore” it.   It just takes a little practice to again re-engage with your intuitive gifts.

Here are three insights into how to nurture your intuition:

  • Be open to receiving
    Whether it would be open to receiving visions, inklings, or gut reactions.  The idea is to be open to how your inner self communicates with you.
  • Be quiet enough
    One of the best ways to be open to receiving messages from your inner self is through some type of meditation or practice, or sitting quietly, or going to a library where there are lots of people, or even just walking around a park  with a consistent pace and practicing mindful listening. Being quiet  means having enough mindfulness to be able to pick up on the subtle mind-body messages that come forward from your intuition. What’s one of the best ways to quiet things down? Close your eyes.  When you close off the mechanism of seeing – you can cut out a very high percentage of distractions.
  • Be courageous enough
    One of the things that truly make intuition valuable in this world is having the courage to share it.  When you have the courage to express it – you can be of great service in this world.  When sharing your intuitions, do it lightly with out attachment – you will find you are more likely to engage your intuition frequently this way.  You will also find you will be in a more responsive place if someone is “surprised”  by what you share.

Underneath these three insights – is the understanding that when you are open, quiet and courageous – you are also welcoming the opportunity to embrace more of your felt senses.

#5 Nurture yourself in nature
Nature has many gifts in the forms of metaphoric lessons to help us nurture ourselves.    By giving yourself time in nature, in what ever form that fits your personal needs – just by the act of witnessing and engaging with the environment; you can find nourishment.

For example, the metaphor of the four seasons could teach us there are times for growth and times for rest.  Do you need rest to nurture you? Or is time to plant some seeds for growth?

In nature, there are many metaphors that represent things like going with the flow, embracing change, being in the present moment, having an adventure – all things that can be very nurturing.

Practice paying attention to nature – and see what nurtures you.

#6 Nurture love
When you are filled with love, there is a lot of nurturing activity going on.

Filling your heart with love – is an act of self-compassion.  It improves your capacity for faith and self-trust.  It allows you to respond to things vs. react to things.  It allows for greater appreciation, greater connection, more play and more joy.

Loving the things you are doing is another way to bring in nurturing love.  When you nurture your natural talents and gifts you strengthen your mental clarity and your personal mastery.  Both – very nurturing things.

When you see people, places or things – through a perspective of love – you can better see the beauty that is contained therefore you get a sense of connection to them.

Whether you fill your self up, love what you do, or see things with love –  all have benefit. It’s all up to you.

#7 Nurture your needs
So here we are back talking about needs again. As you have been reading – fulfilling your needs are key to how we nurture ourselves.

Neediness is a quality all human’s share.

There are universal needs that all human need in some proportion distinctive to their own unique nature.  Universal needs are things like feeling loved; having your expression and being heard, feeling connected to a group, and to be seen for your own authenticity.

There also are personal needs, specific to you – that perhaps you have identified through your life experience or genetic make up. Your needs are one of the biggest clues to what will truly nurture you. When you have a need, if you first fill that need, and then begin to fill this need as an automatic practice you can fully engage with the world from a place of greater wholeness.

To identify your own personal needs; a little reflection time will assist you:

Think about times when you felt at your personal best, what need did you meet as you performed at your best?

Then take a polar perspective by thinking of times when you felt tired, bored, stressed, mad or sad.  When you were tired; what would you have needed to feel energized? When you were bored; what would you have needed to feel fully engaged?  When you were stressed; what would have needed to feel calm?  When you were mad or sad; what would you have needed to feel glad or happy?  It is the answers to your self reflective questions that will bring the real clues to your personal needs.

Bottom line  – do spend some time fulfilling your own needs and that process will nurture both your personal growth and your soul.