Self Leadership – When Someone You Know is Being Resistant

Is someone in your life being resistant?

There will be times when someone around you will not buy in to an idea you have or follow your lead.  While you may hope you will be able to influence them; sometimes they will just dig in their heels. Sometimes they will actually go as far as to get aggressive and create an obstruction that gets in the way of your desired goal.  Here is a little resistance related information to help you identify resistance more readily and to help you identify self leadership skills so you can transcend the resistance altogether.

Has anyone ever got your goat when things don’t go as planned?

If you find yourself falling back into a place of wanting to force a situation or an outcome as a solution – it might be time to expand your awareness and your mastery of your own self leadership.  If you do not – there are for sure lost opportunity costs.

Here is a frequent truth.  Often if someone is getting your goat;  you are BOTH in a stance of resistance and maybe even conflict.

How do you know if someone (or even yourself) might be in resistance?

  • People resist what they feel they can not afford to be
  • They may resist feeling; letting things in or letting them out
  • They may resist reality, because that too may be overwhelming
  • They may resist change
  • They may resist possibilities, perspectives or beliefs
  • They may resist taking the steps to getting shared expectations and needs met

Some signs someone might be resistant:

  • Physically preventing something from moving forward.  This can be an actual body language like a “talk to the hand” movement or absenting themselves to break a chain of momentum.  It can also be a metaphoric block where the other person shifts away from being committed to what you want and getting more committed to some thing  THEY need.
  • Being inconsistent. When you notice someone is inconsistent – they may not be honouring their own values.  It’s hard to trust someone when they flap in the wind of another’s values or even lose track of the focus that comes with meaningful action.   With out their own North Star … they will veer off course often.   Being inconsistent can also be an avoidance to completing things.
  • Reacting instead of responding.  Reacting often occurs when someone is only responding on the basis of their own expectations or needs. When either of those go unmet – frustration occurs.  When someone is response-able they instead bring in alternative perspectives and awareness of other’s needs and then act.  Often reaction comes out of fear and most often response comes out of awareness of we are one.
  • Flying off the handle. Similar to reacting, when someone reacts by flying off the handle often they are unaware of anything else other than just their own emotional overwhelm.
  • Being Incongruent.  When someone is not being congruent it is palpable. You can sense that what they think and what they say are not in alignment with what they do.
  • Avoiding truth telling.  When someone is not being vulnerable enough to tell the whole truth of things – often they are resisting the path of being a vulnerable human.  Being vulnerable can be scary when it feels unsafe to be authentic.
  • Sabotaging. Sabotaging can be a way of deflecting away from what is really going on for someone.
  • Seeing only 1 way forward.  A limited perspective is one of the easiest ways to tell if someone is in resistance. What are they resisting?  possibilities, and possibilities can be overwhelming.
  • Talking in the past.  When someone tells story after story – often they are resisting being in the present moment – and all that moment would ask them to feel.
  • Trying to keep things comfortable.  When someone  does try to keep things the same – often they are resisting the momentum that comes with change.  Change means getting out of that comfort zone.
  • Not Caring.  Not caring is a resistance to caring.  To care means to be open enough to be empathetic, aware and present. When someone resists caring.  They often will either keep resistance by trying to care-take or by moving to a place of being apathetic.

If someone is getting your goat, here is how not to get caught up in another’s stance of resistance:

If you find yourself getting caught in the cycle of resistance in reaction to someone else’s resistance or passive aggression, shift from being reactive to instead responding with congruent self leadership and be the change you wish to see.  It will do little good to point out their resistance.  Chances are they are going to be resistant to hearing it.   Instead…

Get your power back through mastering your own self leadership

Step into your own place of strength:

  •  Be focused.  Be strategic enough to set goals with a holistic view and still be mindful enough to the wonder of the present moment and be comfortable with the uncertainty that brings.
  • Love them. Love ideas, love people and love learning and the art of practicing to learn.  If you knoyou have failed at influencing them, and you haven’t been able to take the learning from your failureRaise your love vibration and choose to love them and be unconditionally compassionate.  Then notice what changes.
  • Be open and flexible yourself.  Be open to change and hold multiple-perspectives at once. Make choices from a place of awareness.
  • Tell the truth. Be courageous and authentic in your bold self expression. This is one of the greatest ways you can model effective self leadership.
  • Remember we are all ONE.  Treat everyone and everything with that awareness in mind.

Choose to be in a place of openness, flexibility and grace:

Raise your awareness to what is REALLY going on.  Understanding the unmet needs and intentions of yourself and another is one of the fastest ways to help a situation move from a resistant one to a co-collaborative one.

Besides being one of the foundational pieces in conflict resolution – it’s this awareness that is going to create an opportunity for you to respond vs react.

Once you understand what all the intentions and needs are – you can better choose your path.   Even if you need to bring in some external perspectives – it can be very worth it. Sometimes it’s not that you can’t influence someone – it’s more that you can’t influence them THAT WAY.  Opening up yourself to more perspective is going to expand your flexibility greatly.  It’s also going to teach you how to be a better listener.iFind Your Grace. Get calm and stay there. When you demonstrate self leadership from a place of grace – you are naturally ‘allowing’.  Grace allows for greater rapport to happen, allowing for what might happen in the wonder of the present moment. You are 10x less judgmental and you can love 10x more.

Keep an abundant attitude.  When you lead yourself with an abundant attitude  you have increased your ability to be in a place of openness.  It’s going to help you be present to more feelings with out the fear of being overwhelmed. In addition to the added benefits of being full in your expression of gratitude and self-fullness, no more does it need to be a win-loose game.  Instead you get to see that you have all the tools you need now to get the outcome you want – it’s just a matter of whether you are leveraging them.

Increase your level of Personal Presence.  By paying attention to the ways you promise, produce, play, and practice your self leadership, you increased your personal presence.  Live life now as the person you most hope to be in the future.

Be Inspiring. When you live a life as a personal leader.  You are inspiring. And Inspiration is influential.

so… anything got your goat?

Self Compassion – A Personal Leadership Perspective

Self CompassionIf you’ve noticed you haven’t high self compassion lately, you are not alone.   Why is it so many women haven’t become yet become masterful at compassionate self care?

  • Do these scenarios sound familiar?  Being hard on your self for forgetting to plan meals when your alone and then, when famished, end up eating whatever you can wrangle together?  Or skipping meals to make time for other things?  Putting too much on the active to-do list and ending up exhausted and lacking vitality at the end of the day? Carrying shame about your body?  Loosing part of your self to have-it-all – when you know in your heart there is enough? Feeling confused about the next right step – and thinking lack of smarts is the cause?

“Self compassion means no longer admonishing yourself for non-perfection.   No longer feeling in despair because of crisis, chaos or confusion

Compassionate Self Care does mean increasing understanding of yourself, increasing your ability to:

1. Give yourself the best of your love.   Get your mind, body and spirit behind the idea of loving yourself.  Imagine aligning your thoughts and internal talk and declare love for yourself.  Imagine undertaking actions that show your body you love it  – like feeding it nutrient dense foods and making activities that show you love yourself a meaningful part of your day.

2. Give yourself an opportunity to feel (more).  In moments where your capacity to feel – seems on the shy-side. You might not always be able to stop in mid-activity to feel all the emotions of what is going on.  Yet, if you can’t do it in the moment – schedule a few moments at the end of your day to feel all that needs to be felt.

3. Embrace lightness as a way of being.   Living life in a lighter way – makes being self compassionate easier.  Being way-to-serious sometimes can have you taking a hard-line on yourself.   Lightness gives you nimble feet to be able to playfully step in to alternate perspectives.

5.  See the ‘already’ perfection in things.  All things. Especially see it in magnificent you.

6. See negative self talk for what it is.  A just way to try to keep things static (and safer) when you are stretching outside of your comfort zone. Quiet the self talk and continue to stretch.

7. Give yourself time to wait for clarity.   Sometimes awareness needs a little time to settle in.  Some days you may need to wait for an emotional wave to flow through when there is no clear answer in the now.

8. Maintain equanimity. Take a pause so you can respond appropriately to situations rather react in a way that is impulsive or over done.

9. Trust your intuition.  Trusting and then acting on your intuition is a demonstration of your understanding on the messages your body shares with you.

10. Live in the wonder of the moment.  Practicing personal presence is one of the best ways to gain a greater understanding of you – and sets you up well to enjoy the wonder of those things which are uncertain in life.

11. See yourself as whole and self sufficient.  When you let go of the need for validation from external sources and recognize you have the capacity to meet your needs life changes.  No more are you driven to meet others expectations and most importantly no more will you be concerned.

12. Go lightly on making comparisons.   Comparing is a form of judgement.  When you see perfection in things as they are – more awareness is a by-product.

13.  Try some daily self compassion practices .   Doing some active self-compassion – can be a wonderful practice.   So, often we have been habituated to work on our flaws – not very often do we get to practice praising our magnificence or potential.

14. Change your self talk.   Really listen to what your self talk is saying. (Sometimes we have a lot of self talk going on – yet we don’t give it attention.   Listen to it – and then reject the toxic thoughts -. Change your self talk to a more compassionate tone.

15. See yourself as part of everything.  See yourself as part of the ONE.  See your situation context of how it is connected to the larger human experience. We can be our most compassionate when we no longer feel separate.

16. Borrow a little compassion to get things started.  If you are finding it challenging to drum up a little compassion. Model your practise after someone who already does self compassion and self care well. Let others lead the way for you. Learning self-compassion can be a practice that is mastered over time as new information is allowed into your awareness. There is no need to feel isolated while you master the art of self compassion.

What happens when you are more self compassionate?    One thing is you can have a greater capacity to be more compassionate towards others.  Your sense of ease increases because you will be feeling more self-sufficient because of your holistic perspective. You may also find yourself having more energy and meaningful fulfillment as you are paying attention to what is important.

Do you have some new ideas for yourself or others on how to be more self compassionate?  Leave a comment below.